The Wonderful Everyday Book of Calm

According to the IKEA website: “The IKEA Catalog was retired – but IKEA brochures are here to make finding affordable furnishings and awesome inspiration easier than ever!” Alas, I neglected to seize a copy of the final 2021 paper “catalog”, so the pre-pandemic 2019 one will sit forever on my bookshelf (Billy of course!) alongside Shakespeare, Milton, Blake, et al. Last night I flipped through it: tea-stained and dog-eared though it is, page after page of horizontally-oriented furniture, vistas of household linens in shades of non-challenging taupe and teal and slate-grey, redolent of sea and sky and forest. I could mull forever over those endearing wooden toys that look as if a master craftsman has spent hour upon hour fashioning each one, yet aware they are very definitely mass produced – brochures go hang! Who needs a Tibetan monastery when you can foray at will into the wonderful, everyday book of calm that was the IKEA catalogue?

The war on terra continues

Readers of this column will know how much I have, in the near and distant past, expounded on the unfairness of our differing attitudes to masculine and feminine footwear, questioning why men get to wear comfortable shoes while at work and play, while women, etc. For a while, the comfort brigade seemed to be winning the argument, what with Nicola Thorp marching to victory in her flatties, and female movie stars standing firmly in jewelled trainers on the red carpet in Cannes. But lately, the past has returned to haunt us, in the form of the female Apprentice candidates flaunting their spiked heels as they dash across the TV screen, intent on bagging the quarter-of-a-mil business investment from Lord Sugar. So what, you might say? But what message do Victoria, Marnie, Rochelle, et al, send to young women, anxious to succeed in any walk of life, wearing foot appendages that will certainly cause problems later on? And please don’t tell me, as they struggle to sell buns and run tourist companies, that comfortable footwear does not make the task easier for the young men. Besides, I thought the proliferation of comfortable, fashionsble and femminine footwear in recent times, had won the day? For example, just look at these marvellous, bejewelled pumps by Carvelas, retailing £55.50, from Shoeaholics, suited with both skirts and trousers. Aspiring women, please take heed.

Happy, Happy 2023....

…whoever you are, wherever you may be! And following the last couple of subdued years, what a welcome was in store for the New Lady, what with fireworks, pealing bells, claps, shouts, and song, song, song. Chief among MCs was Jools, surely the sparkling diamond in the crown of British music promoters, and laurels to him on his good sense in requisitioning the surviving members of that sterling band, The Real Thing, to grace his annual hootenanny. And when the fireworks had died down, they sang that song. Alas, a throat ailment prevented me bursting into full swell of the glorious chorus but what a treat to hear, pitching us oldies back to the summer of ’76, when the sun seared the skies, and the rains failed, and the water dried in the taps, and ground baked beneath our feet. But when the sun set and the stars rose in the sky, we had that song to dance to, and I feel privileged to have been a youth at the time it twinkled in its zenith. So, to Chris and Dave, and their dear departed friends and songsters, thanks a million million for bringing such wonder and fun and downright reality to our lives. And to all readers, I say again, happy, happy 2023.

Dear Christmas Diary

Albert has taken charge of decorating the house and is driving us all mad, quoting Dickens’s “that pretty little German toy, etc.” After all, he says, “it was Victoria’s Albert who...” Yes, we KNOW, Albert.” Steven has gained a temporary post, posturing as Mr Claus in a local mall, and he hates it so much that he anticipates being in PTSD for the next six months. Marcia is set to while away the Christmas and New Years hours in her care home post, and I? Well, if there is anything worse than eating turkey, it is watching other people eat it, which is why I, a pescatrian, am vacating my so-called hospitality post for a while. Happy holiday and see y’all in 2023.

Christmas 2022

How do we know it’s Christmas? Let me count the ways. We know 25/12 is fast approaching when celebrities begin peddling their bottled non-scents on television screen and off magazine cover. Ye shall know it’s Christmas when queues to access the basics of life everywhere, i.e., banks and post offices, supermarket checkouts and loos lengthen to proportions not seen since the days of Iron Curtain rationing and all while electronic carols jingle merrily in the background. Ye shall know it’s Christmas when the most banal of merchandise acquires, by virtue of a twist of foil wrapping paper and a sprig of holly, a decided aura of magic, when the super-brands’ mini-movies begin to air on TV, when criminally slender models extol the virtues of rich and creamy chocolate, when designer-dressed party-makers imbibe on alcoholic brew, yet remain upright enough to dance the night away. We know it’s Christmas when every hit tune for the past five decades is dredged up and served as a component in a compilation album, e.g., The Twenty Best Soft-Shoe Shuffle Hits, Twenty Songs For Granny To Rave To, Twenty Orchestrations For The Dog To Howl At, and ye shall know that Yuletide is upon us when the sanest of citizens begins to prance about in red and white, fluffy Santa hats, when the whole world becomes an insane cauldron of buying and selling, eating and drinking, boozing, carousing or simply snoozing off the toxic after-effects. Whichever part you play, have a wonderful, wonderful, time.

Why I’m cracking up

Never thought I’d see the day when eggs became as rare as hens’ teeth, but here we are. Following much foot-slog, I finally got my mitts upon a coveted carton, the precious nuggets nestling like jewels in their cardboard compartments, snug as bugs and smug as rugs at having finally attained food-superstar status. Ah, Fabergé knew exactly what he was doing! And I? In my state of egg-streme distress, I rue not having followed the career path of breeding hens, now surely the Golden Goose of domestic animals. I shed tears over all the times I have cracked open one of the little darlings and did not bother to scoop all of the white from the shells. Or let the white drip upon the kitchen counter. Or neglected to prise all the cooked stuff from saucepan or frying pan. And it brings tears to my eyes remembering those times in the supermarket when I have rejected a carton because just one happened to be cracked. Or the set of six looked less than what it, you know, what it should have: talk about the chickens coming home to roost. Now, every one is a treasure to be cosseted and canoodled; that golden yolk colour cannot be a coincidence. The problem is: what to do with my casket of eggs? Every fate seems just too banal, too final, too horrible. Omelettes? Too colloquial. Eggs Benedict? Don’t like. Cakes? Not eggy enough; my dears, I want to see the precious pearls as I consume them. Every one of the ovoid beauties has attained the status of smoked salmon, fine wine, the rarest of rare cheeses, and deserves to go out in style. Really and truly, they deserve their own show, possibly an online animation of Jack and the Beanstalk, with gold-sprayed eggs taking starring role. How about it, animators, how about it?

You’d better fear…

It’s the most wonderful time of the year
Old houses are daunting
The ghosts are a-haunting
The bats are a-flapping
And ghouls are a-tapping….and you’d better fear….’cos I’m here….wooooo-oooooh!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
The staircase is creaky
The rodents are squeaky
The attics are musty
And basements are dusty….and you’d better fear….’cos I’m here….wooooo-oooooh!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
The dark nights are scary
You’re right to be wary
‘Cos banshees are screeching
Long fingernails reaching….and you’d better fear….’cos I’m here….wooooo-oooooh!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
The werewolves are howling
And phantoms are prowling
And zombies and witches
Eat corpses with stitches…. and you’d better fear….’cos I’m here….wooooo-oooooh!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
With skeletons dancing
And ghost horses prancing
With Gorgons a-glaring
And their eyes are a-staring….and you’d better fear….’cos I’m here….wooooo-wooooh!