Dear Diary: family planning

The summer ploughs on; the dog days are upon us and our desire to climb on board the property ladder grows ever stronger. I turn over our conversation to you.
Albert: (looking at his phone) a government minister says that if we need more money, we got to find better-paying jobs.
Me: why didn’t we think of that before?
Steven: I did find one, actually, in an animation studio, but it is in London, where rents are higher.
Marcia: your own fault for getting a Mickey Mouse degree: why not go back to college?
Steven: And add to my student loans?
Albert: are we going to admit defeat?
Me: more research is needed, methinks.
(Six nights later and as always, Albert takes the chair.)
Albert: findings on the table, everybody. (deafening silence) Alright, I’ve just found out about the plans for fifty-year mortgages.
Me: what does it mean?
Albert: It means that we can now take out a mortgage and pay it back over fifty years instead of the normal twenty-five.
Steven: so, the payments will be lower?
Albert: you got it in one, me boy.
Me: but we might not live that long?
Albert: no problem: our children will pick up the tab.
Marcia: but we haven’t got any children?
Albert: What a bright bunch I live amongst. (winks at Marcia) Let’s get going on the breeding programme.
Steven: a great move, since it says here (looks at phone) that they are going to tax the child-free.
Albert: (winks at Marcia again) Then, we’d better get to work, quickly.
(to be continued)