A Nightmare Crystal Maze...

Change is a good thing; we all have to move on and this time of year is as good as any to ring out the old and usher in the new. So, it was with optimism that I ventured – following many years of absence – into the “new” Brown Thomas store on Dublin’s Grafton Street. The “new” store occupies a site across the street from the former site, which is alright. Like I said, we all have to move on. But once inside, my optimistic anticipation turned from surprise to disappointment to disgruntlement to despair. Yes, I know that upmarket stores are slowly abandoning art nouveau and art deco references in favour of LED-outlined mirror panels. And I know that formal hierarchies of management are as obsolete as the harsh, right-angled counters that have now dissolved into touchy-feely, user-friendly product display “pods”. What floored me was the disappearance of the panopticon-like atrium, the glorious see-all-at-a-view configuration, whether from ground level or mezzanine balcony. In the old days, only bargains belonged to the basement, my dear, but now, the entire store is a nightmare crystal maze of tunnels and caverns. I wandered lost and lonely through a labyrinth lined with designer handbags, sunglasses and sports’ shoes. Feeling as out of place as Will Ferrell in every movie he has ever been in – especially THAT one – I watched children purchasing said goods from other children that were dressed up as sales’ personnel. Finally, I crumbled and asked for directions to the ladies’ bathroom. To be fair, the resident elves were sweet, friendly and very helpful – but it took no fewer than three separate briefings to direct me to the site of my focus, and I exited the store as soon as possible afterwards – sorry, BT, no profit from me. I get that Brown Thomas is now an emporium for well-to-do youth, but my question is: are there no shopping havens left for stuffy old traditionalists like me? The classical, grid-based store layout had its downside, but at least it enabled the customer a degree of independence in moving about – and gave the personnel a few square feet of private space during work hours. I wish the “new” Brown Thomas every success – and a Happy New Year to all..

A Strange Time of Year

With its festive trimmings, ritual meal and family gathering, Christmas is a topsy-turvy time, when the daily norms are subverted and chronological punctuation vanishes into an ether of twinkling lights and discarded wrapping paper. No doubt Charles Dickens sensed this tock-ticking when he wrote his seminal A Christmas Carol, the story of Ebenezer Scrooge who was haunted by the ghosts of his erstwhile business partner and his past, present and future distilled into three spirits warning him to change his miserly ways – or else. The subversion of time came home to me at seven o’clock a few mornings ago, when a little girl's voice commanded me to get out of bed and help her hang baubles on a Christmas tree….well, ‘tis the season of goodwill. Dazed with early morning confusion, I struggled with the perplexities of stringing a thousand – it seemed – silver and gold, red and rose-coloured gilt balls on an already over-decorated fir. Time will come when I will weep with the delicious memory of it all, when the ghosts of my past Christmases will hover around, fingers a-wagging as they relate how I did not appreciate it all. Wherever you are and whoever you are with, have a wonderful, wonderful time.

Ode to the Beaten-Down Employee

The valued employee is encouraged to “think outside the box”
You are told to “know your place”
Their ideas are “original”
Your ideas are “ludicrous”
They are “creative”
You “lack discipline”
They “have talent”
You are “being awkward”
They are “delightfully eccentric”
You are “being difficult”
They are “honest”
You are “derisory”
They are “in earnest”
You are “just being cocky”
They are “motivated”
You are “fanatical”
They are “taking a break”
You are “idling”
They are “highly skilled”
You are “overly-qualified”
They are “passionate and committed”
You are “overly emotional”
They have “sound experience”
You “carry too much baggage”
They require “assistance and support”
You are “seeking to be spoon-fed”
They are “critical and constructive”
You are “being scathing”
They “communicate effectively”
You are “just being stroppy”
They are “taking an important standpoint”
You are “being stubborn”
They are “witty”
You are “sarcastic”
They have “earned their success”
You “just got lucky”
They are “on a well-deserved vacation”
You are “lazy and work-shy”
They are “a devoted employee, with a great career ahead”
You are….fired…doh!
(Agitation, adverbs, adjectives and graphics by me..)

The Wearing Experience of Fitflops....

Many times in this column, I have waxed lyrical over the virtues of comfortable footwear on feminine feet. However, in spite of their voracious publicity, I had always managed to avoid buying purchasing a pair of Fitflops ™. My day footwear is of such quality that, I reckoned, I did not need yet another pair of podiatrically-approved pavement vehicles. But recently, with my plates of meat reduced to raw steaks by much summertime stomping, I gave in to custom and purchased a pair of silver Luna Pop flops and – wow! Another quality shoe brand has taken me heels over head. In addition to their sheer design, the faintly art-decoish styling of sole and upper, the wearing experience has been like stepping from hot bricks on to cool and pliable cushions – or “microwobbleboard comfort”, as the heel tag proudly exclaims. It is early days, but my foot feeling is that this is the start of a long and beautiful relationship with the delectable
Luna Pop.

Relaxing into grrrrreatness: the wonderful everyday lion....!

Have you seen the latest IKEA advertisement? It features - OMG - a great, big cuddly lion, golden and fluffy and spouting such profoundities as "just waiting for the right moment" and "relax into greatness", in addition to explaining why relaxing more than eighteen hours a day is not lazy. Now, there's an animal I can identify with, the glorious cat family reminding us that the best folk achieve most with the least apparent effort. After all, it was a bunch of bankers working around the clock that crashed the world economy and so much to-and-froing that pollutes the earth and the oceans. Yet, the glamorous lion reclines hours a day (or more) and still manages to be king of the beasts - I call that grrrreat! No wonder the "wonderful everyday" has chosen Leo as their icon. Watch this space for images of my shiny, new Billys, with all my junk in place, when I finally get organised. Right now, I am all set for my summer slumber....zzzz....
http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/ikea/relax-into-greatness/?section=TVC&cid=uk%7cba%7cgoogle%7csem%7c2344741

Dancing with Delight in....Charleston!

Just recently, three friends and I had a glorious day in the Sussex countryside. Among the delights we witnessed were a cow and her new-born calf in a farmer’s field. As an afterthought, we visited Charleston, the cottage purchased by those foremost scions of the Bloomsbury Group, Duncan Grant and Vanessa Bell, in the early 1900's. Over time, the couple placed their personal stamp on the cottage interior by decorating it in the Bloomsbury style, painting abstract and floral patterns on walls and across fireplaces, and upholstering fabrics in their own printed fabrics. Novel features include the use of painted, upturned kitchen colanders as light shades in the different rooms of the house. An entrance fee is payable and alas, photography of the interior is not permitted. However, the adjoining garden is open to the public, and is filled with plants and sculptural surprises. I do recommend going to Charleston.

Unibond United.

My Unibond AERO 360 dehumidifying device has been in place for over four months now and I must say, it is doing a job of sorts. It has been a fascinating experience, placing that chemical tablet thingie in the plastic unit, letting on to guests that the contraption is a postmodern ornament and seeing it slowly dissolve as the tank underneath fills with blue water. The packaging tells us that said water is “salty” but I haven’t had the courage to taste it, so I take that on trust. The tablet supposedly lasts up to three months, but my tablets have dissolved all of two months – does this mean I was living in a fish tank before I put Unibond in place? Allow me calculate; the half litre that the tablet collects over eight weeks translates into three litres per year. This means that in the just over ten years since I’ve lived in my present pad, almost 30 litres of excess liquid has splashed over my carpets and curtains, has fugged my windows and run down my walls, saturating my books and furniture – I thought it felt uncomfortable in here. Multiply that figure by the 20 million or so households in Great Britain – minus the minority that uses Unibond Aero - and we are talking the Second Deluge. According to the Unibond folk, excess moisture provides ammo for “condensation, mould and mildew” and other antediluvian horrors – and it does make one think: just what is breeding out there? This could provide an explanation for the stranger organisms evident in public life – I rest my case. In spite of Unibond Aero, I still find the odd spot of mildew in my living quarters – but at least the device will stop it evolving into something nastier. Let’s unite with Unibond, now.